Remember My Name Page 9
Peter was humming as he typed at the computer, punching in the names, numbers, and prices while Shane unpacked the boxes.
“Do you have to do that?”
“Is my cheerful disposition bothering you?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” Peter smirked while Shane rolled his eyes. “Thank you for taking care of me the other night.”
He shrugged. “You’d do the same for me.”
Peter chuckled, clicking away at the keyboard. “I can’t imagine ever seeing you in that condition.”
“I’d never let you.”
“You know, I don’t know whether to be thrilled or concerned that you haven’t made a smartass comment about this yet.”
“Why would I?” Shane paused. “But, on a serious note, I don’t get paid enough to deal with your emotional trauma, so I’m requesting a raise.”
“And there it is.” He laughed and shook his head. “Ask and you shall receive.”
After placing the last crystal on the counter for Peter to punch in, he threw all the packing material back into the box. “I’m kidding about the raise.”
“I’m not.”
Shane chewed the inside of his lip. He didn’t want Peter to think he’d only helped because he’d expected something in return. But he was always scared to get that deep with someone, and he wasn’t willing to go there, so he decided against mentioning it. “Thanks, I guess.”
Shane wasn’t into sports, but Troy was, so he didn’t mind hanging out and watching a football game. There was food, drinks, and good company, and that was all he needed.
He reached for a fourth slice of pizza and took a bite, speaking with a mouth full. “What are you doing next weekend, Troy?”
“Hanging out with friends.”
“You have other friends besides me?”
“Yeah, lots.”
“Who would want to be friends with you?” He grinned when Troy shot him a glare. “Do you have to pay them?”
“God, I hope not.” Troy shook his head. “I can’t afford it.”
Since there was a commercial, he muted the TV. “So, how’s life? What’s new? Still going to that school?”
“Yeah, that’s all I’ve had time for lately.”
“Are you going to tell me what you’re going to school for?”
He paused, staring at the screen. “No. You won’t like it.”
Shane furrowed his brow. “Since when do you care what I think?”
“Oh, I care. I just don’t let you know it because you’ll use it against me.”
“That is so rude to assume the worst of me,” he said, mockingly rolling his eyes. “I’m going to find out eventually, you know.”
“Yeah, I know.” Troy turned to him but avoided his gaze. “I’m not ready for things to change yet.”
“Ah, come on.” Shane nudged him playfully. “How much worse can I get, right?”
“I don’t know. Guess we’ll find out.” Heaving a sigh, he un-muted the TV. “What about you, are you good?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine.” He shrugged. “There’s just...one thing that doesn’t make sense to me.”
Troy gave him his full attention. “What?”
“That fucking shirt.” He burst out laughing, gesturing to the multi-colored disaster. It had strange and abstract shapes that looked as though they were supposed to be animals of some kind. “It’s like an ugly fucking Christmas sweater but in t-shirt form.”
Troy folded his arms. “It was a gift, okay?”
“Man, how old are you? You need to start dressing yourself.”
He shook his head with a chuckle. “Only if you promise to give me some tips.”
“Done.” Shane finished his slice of pizza, but he was more interested in watching his friend than the game. There was something in his gaze; it reminded Shane of himself, and that was concerning. He’d never seen Troy look troubled before. “Troy?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re my best friend.”
Troy looked at him, pausing before giving a small nod. “You’re mine too.”
It was impossible to hide the dark circles under his eyes. Shane was zoning in and out of the conversation and his brother hadn’t failed to notice.
“What’s wrong, Shane?”
He rubbed his eyes and shook his head. “Nothing.”
“Come on, something’s bothering you. I can tell.”
Taking a deep breath, he looked over the booth they were seated in, and to the TV that hung on the wall. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Ethan took a sip of his beer. “I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me.”
“It’s not for you to understand. Just leave it alone.”
“Okay.” He nudged Shane’s foot under the table. “Is there anything you will talk to me about?”
“I don’t know. Pick something and we’ll see.”
“How’s your love life?”
“Everyone wants to know about my love life.” Pursing his lips to hide a smile, he moved his gaze from the TV to Ethan. “It’s...it’s good. Cal’s good.”
“So, I see.” He chuckled. “Do you talk to him?”
“No. I mean, we talk. But we avoid a lot of things too.”
“By your request or his?”
“Mine. Right now, we’re playing this game where we pretend we don’t have history.” He narrowed his gaze when Ethan raised his brow. “You’re judging.”
“I’m not, it’s just...not a good way to go about a relationship.”
“Who said it was a relationship?”
“It isn’t?”
Shane shrugged.
“Does he know that?”
“He will.”
Ethan shook his head. “You and your secrets.”
“Speaking of secrets, have you told Nora?”
“About your heart? No. You asked me not to say anything, and I haven’t, but I hope you realize how unfair it is.” His gaze was downcast. “I’ve been with her a long time. It’s a little ridiculous that I’m not allowed to say anything. What if mom slips one day and tells her?”
“She won’t.”
“And what happens if we fail your test of trust?”
He furrowed his brow. “My what?”
“It’s a test, isn’t it?” Ethan’s gaze flicked up to him. “Keeping your secrets and asking us to keep yours. Because Cal hurt you, because mom wasn’t there for you like she should have been, because of your heart...”
He shifted uncomfortably. “I guess so.”
“Listen, I get needing to protect yourself. But you’re going about it in the wrong way,” his voice softened. “You have to let people in.”
“Yeah, we grew up a bit differently. You learned to trust first, ask questions later.” Shane ran his tongue over his front teeth. “I learned to trust that people would hurt me. So, I’d rather keep people at a distance before deciding whether or not I can trust them instead of blindly trusting them and hoping they won’t hurt me.”
“Jesus, Shane. I didn’t realize that mom’s lack of acceptance did that much damage.” He sighed. “I didn’t realize that Callan had hurt you so badly.”
“It is what it is.”
He paused, gaze wandering over his brother. “You know I love you, right?”
“I know.” Shane nodded slowly. “I love you too, man.”
7
As small and crappy as the apartment complex was, the community pool was decent. And today, it was empty, which was strange for such a warm day but people probably had better things to do.
Shane yawned and stretched his arms. “Shut up.”
Troy furrowed his brow. “I didn’t say anything.”
“Well, just in case you were thinking about saying something, don’t.”
Rolling his eyes, he leaned back in the lawn chair. “It’s hot.”
“And?”
“Don’t you want to take your shirt off?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m good.”
“I’ll be alright.”
Taking off his sunglasses, Troy raised his brow. “Do you just…not take your shirt off, ever?”
“Nope.”
“Not even during sex?”
Shane chuckled. “Nope.”
Shaking his head, Troy leaned forward on the table. “What does Callan think about that?”
“He’s fine with it. When his options are shirt-on or no sex, he’ll take the sex.”
Clicking his tongue, he looked toward the pool. “Not even when you shower?”
“Okay, smart-ass. Of course I take it off when I shower.”
“Are you really that self-conscious about your body?”
He reached over and patted Troy’s stomach. “Well, not all of us were born with six-packs.”
“Excuse me?” He scoffed. “I’ve worked very hard for this body.”
“Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself.”
“You’re a beautiful boy, Shane.” He pursed his lips and pet Shane’s hair. “Don’t you ever doubt it.”
“Where have you been all my life?”
He grinned. “At the gym.”
Shane laughed and shook his head. “You are something else, Troy.”
“I know, and you’re lucky to have me. Don’t you forget it!”
As the hours ticked by, the air became cooler. He was grateful for that when pulling into the state park for his evening date.
Slinging his bag over his shoulder, Shane walked past the entrance sign and met Callan at their usual spot – the bench where there was a fork in the path.
Cal approached him with a smile. “Anything in there for me?”
“Just a bunch of sarcasm and bad jokes.” He grinned and tugged on the strap of his bag. “Oh, you meant this, huh?”
“I’ll take your sarcasm and bad jokes any day of the week.” He placed a soft kiss on Shane’s lips. “What did you do today?”
“Oh, my usual routine. Got up, got dressed, made someone cry...”
Cal rolled his eyes. “You’re not fooling me with that tough guy routine. There’s a big softie in there somewhere.”
“Only because you haven’t made it hard yet.”
“Shane Coulter, get your mind out of the gutter!” He playfully smacked his arm. “I’m trying to be serious and you’ve got jokes.”
“Hey, I warned you about that.”
As they walked up the path, he reached into his bag and pulled out a package of Pop Rocks. He offered some to Callan, who politely declined, and then sprinkled the contents into his mouth.
Callan laughed. “Why do you still like Pop Rocks? You’re supposed to stop eating that shit when you reach puberty.”
“How could you not? It’s like a party in your mouth.”
“If you wanted a party in your mouth, all you had to do was ask.”
Shane leaned into him. “Whose mind is in the gutter now?”
The dirt path was winding and going on an incline. Shane was used to the exercise but it seemed that Callan was not because his breathing became heavy.
“This is what people who climb Mount Everest must feel like.”
“Are you seriously comparing this hill to a mountain?”
“Yes. And when I reach the top, I will die happily because I’m doing this for you.”
“Shut up.” He clicked his tongue. “We’ve only been hiking for ten minutes.”
Callan heaved a sigh. “Why aren’t you as winded as I am?”
“Because I do this all the time.”
Shane shoved his hands into his pockets, and when he turned around, realized that Callan was several feet behind him, phone in his hand.
Clicking his tongue, Cal quickly put it away and caught up to him on the path. “Sorry about that. My friend recently rescued a dog from a shelter and she’s a little nervous about being a first-time pet owner.”
“That’s okay, I get it.” He smiled softly. “I love dogs.”
“You do? Have you ever had one?”
He licked his lips anxiously. It had been a long time since he’d thought about Teddy, let alone spoken about him. “I did, yeah. Once.”
“What happened?”
“He ran away.”
“I’m sorry.” Cal nudged his shoulder. “That must have been hard on you.”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “He was only a puppy. But he was my best friend.”
“What was his name?”
“Teddy.”
Callan pursed his lips. “He didn’t have a chip so you could find him?”
“He does, I mean, he did.” Shane had never tried to find Teddy, never even entertained the idea. But he couldn’t say why. “I guess I just thought he was better off without me.”
“I don’t see how that could be true. You said he was your best friend. I’m sure you were his too.”
Pausing on the dirt path, his hands were balled into fists in his pockets. “I need to take a piss.”
Walking on a part of the path that branched off from the main area, he only stopped when he thought he was out of sight. His hands were shaking, his heart racing as he swung the bag over his shoulder and opened it.
Shane pulled out two bottles of pills and some water, tossing the medication with a gulp of liquid into his mouth. As he swallowed it down, he closed the bag, looked up, and saw Callan staring at him.
Shane’s nostrils flared as they watched one another in a sort of stand-off. Rather than explain away the pills, he was intent on staying as far off that subject as possible. In fact, he was so angry that Callan had caught him – as ironic as that was – that he felt the security of their charade these last few months melt away. And everything he’d been holding back came out in six simple words.
“Why the fuck did you leave?”
Callan licked his lips anxiously. “Are we dropping the act?”
“Yes.”
He lowered his gaze. “I told you my reason before I left. I couldn’t risk alienating my father. I needed his money.”
“Yeah, your family’s precious reputation was more important than me, I’m aware.” Shane threw his hands in the air. “Meanwhile, I was here, all alone, having the worst time of my life because you didn’t have the balls to be happy.”
“If you want the honest truth, I thought I would get over you.” Tears were in his eyes when he met Shane’s gaze again. “I thought you would get over me.”
“And did you?”
“No. Did you?”
“No.”
Cal took a step toward him but Shane took a step back. “I thought it was for the best. You were so young. You needed life experience.”
“Don’t tell me what I needed. If you want to try and alleviate your guilt, that’s fine, but don’t use me as an excuse. My age bothered you. Our sexual orientation was a problem for you. It was always about you, Callan.”
“You know how people are,” his voice was barely above a whisper. “Not everyone is open-minded about age, or sexuality, or-”
“I don’t care what people think!”
“I do. And you always wanted me to put myself in your shoes but you could never put yourself in mine. If you don’t think I struggled these past few years, you’re wrong.” His bottom lip trembled, tears threatening to spill onto his cheeks. “You looked at me in a way that no one ever has before or since. When you looked at me, I felt loved.”
“That’s your own fucking fault, Cal. You’re the one who left.” Turning away, he took a deep breath. “I think it would have been better for me if I had never met you. Then I wouldn’t have compared everyone I’ve ever been with to you, quietly contemplating how they would never measure up. I wouldn’t have missed you all this time, I wouldn’t have thrown good people away because I kept comparing them to what you and I had. If I had never met you, I wouldn’t have wasted my life pining for you, praying that you’d get your shit together and find your way back to me.” Swallowing hard, his hand wiped over his f
ace, and he hoped it wasn’t obvious that he was swiping tears away. “If I had never met you...then I wouldn’t have known what I was missing. And I wouldn’t know how lost I am without you.” His jaw clenched as he shook his head. “You ruined my life.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way because loving you was the best thing that ever happened to me.” When Cal stepped forward this time, Shane didn’t step away, but he wouldn’t look at him either. “You gave me hope in an otherwise dismal world. My life was dark and you brought light into it. No one had ever looked at me the way you did. No one had ever loved me the way you did.” He took another step forward. “When I went home, I had to pretend that I didn’t love you, that I didn’t miss you, that I wasn’t thinking about you every day. I had to pretend the happiest moments of my life didn’t exist and that I didn’t know what I had lost. Being with you was like a fantasy, a dream come true that I never wanted to wake from. But I didn’t want you to be a fantasy, I wanted you to be my reality.” Voice breaking, he closed the distance between them. “I tried so hard to make it work, to find a way to make it real. You were everything I’d ever wished for and everything I thought I would never have. I’m sorry that you regret our relationship because it’s the only thing that’s kept me going.”
Still, Shane refused to look at him. His silence must have been assumed as the end of their relationship, because Callan’s shoulders slumped forward in defeat. He turned away, walking back down the path, with Shane watching all the while.
There was a bench not far from the path, settled by a scenic view. With his head in his hands, Shane couldn’t see tears, but knew that they were flowing by the way the man’s shoulders shook.
It took no time at all to walk to the bench and throw his arms around the blond.
“I’m sorry,” he spoke softly. “I didn’t realize it was like that for you.”
“You never asked. You always just assumed.”
“You’re right, I did.” He wiped away some of Cal’s tears with his sleeve. “I was so focused on what I was feeling that I never considered that you might be in pain too.”
As he stood up, he kissed the top of Callan’s head, lips lingering on his soft hair. “Can I take you to my place?”