Remember My Name Read online

  “Haven’t you had enough of me yet?”

  Shane stepped forward, gripped his hips, and kissed him softly. “Not nearly.”

  The sweetest smile that Shane had ever seen spread across Callan’s cheeks. “Good.”

  He took his shower in private and then gave Callan a proper goodbye before he left. Shane packed his bags and heard a knock on the door, though he didn’t give permission before Peter entered.

  The older man scrunched his nose. “Smells like sex in here.”

  “That’s probably because I had sex in here.”

  “Oh?” He folded his arms. “And this person’s name is...”

  Shane rolled his eyes. “None of your business.”

  “That’s a strange name.” He narrowed his gaze. “Could it be the handsome fellow from last night? The guy you told me about at the shop?”

  “Yes,” he said with an exasperated sigh. “It was Callan. Are you happy now?”

  “Well, look at you! Opening up to people and all. I’m so proud.”

  Shane swung one bag over his shoulder and pulled his suitcase by the handle. “We fucked. That’s all.”

  Peter raised his brow. “He doesn’t know, does he?”

  “Nope.”

  “You don’t plan on telling him, do you?”

  “Nope.”

  “Hmm.” Peter’s gaze wandered over him. “I thought you loved him.”

  “What does that have to do with anything?”

  “Because you don’t lie to the people you love.”

  Shane’s nostrils flared. “You do if it keeps them safe.”

  He furrowed his brow. “And while you’re busy protecting everyone else, who’s protecting you?”

  Grinding his teeth, he shook his head. “No one.”

  “Because you won’t let them.”

  “Because I can’t.” Letting the bag over his should drop to his side, Shane walked toward the door. “Look, you wouldn’t understand.”

  “I might if you gave me a chance.”

  “No, I mean, you don’t understand what telling you would mean.” He opened the door, keeping it ajar with his foot. “Just leave it alone, if not for your sake then for mine.”

  His mother had been doing her best to make him feel welcome. She was struggling to keep her faith as well as her son, and while he wished that the answer could have been simple, he knew that it wasn’t. Not for his mother. And if she could try to understand him then he could do the same for her.

  He walked into her house, the very one he’d grown up in, and was greeted with the smell of baked pasta. “What is that?”

  “I made your favorite!” Lorraine called from the kitchen.

  Shane walked inside and stood against the counter. “You didn’t have to make lasagna just for me.”

  “Anything for my boy.” She smiled and pinched his cheek.

  “Do you still make dinner for Ethan?”

  “Sometimes I’ll go over and cook with him. Or play with the kids while he and Nora cook.” Using a pair of oven mitts, she moved the hot pan onto the dinner table. “Do you spend a lot of time with them?”

  He grabbed two plates and two forks from the cabinets and then sat down next to her. “I try to, but I don’t really get along with Nora. And she doesn’t get along with me.”

  She clicked her tongue. “You two should give each other a chance. You’re family.”

  “It’s okay if we don’t like each other.” He shrugged. “As long as I get to spend time with Ethan and the kids, that’s all that matters.”

  “Well, I won’t get in the middle of you three. You’re all adults, you can figure it out.”

  Using the serving spoon, he put a large piece of lasagna on each of their plates. “How was your weekend?”

  “Uneventful. I just did some cleaning, caught up on some shows. How was yours?”

  He raised his brow. “Do you really want to know?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “Even if I spent it with a guy?”

  She paused and tilted her head. “I won’t lie, it’s something I’m still getting used to. But what makes my boys happy makes me happy, so...tell me everything.”

  He smirked. “Well, I won’t tell you everything.”

  “Oh,” she said with a nervous giggle. “The weekend went that well, huh?”

  “It was unexpected, for the both of us, I think.” Color flushed his cheeks as he shifted in his seat. “Do you remember when I told you about Callan?”

  “Yes.” She nodded slowly. “He was your first love, if I remember correctly.”

  He blinked rapidly, surprised that she had, indeed, remembered. “You really were listening.”

  She pouted her lip and ran a hand through his curls. “I’m sorry if you thought I wasn’t. I am trying, honey. I have been. And I deeply regret that you had to keep your relationship with him a secret. I should have been there for you and I wasn’t, but I am now.”

  “I know it’s not easy for you.” He gave a small smile. “I appreciate it.”

  “So, what does Callan have to do with your weekend?”

  “Apparently, he’s back in town. And, to make a long story short, I went to New York on a last-minute trip. And Callan just happened to be there too.” He shrugged. “It was like fate or something.”

  “Does that mean you two are back together?”

  “I don’t know,” he mumbled, poking his lasagna. “We haven’t put a label on it.”

  “So you still haven’t forgiven him for breaking your heart.”

  She had remembered that too? Shane was impressed, though it put a damper on his favorite meal. “I guess not. I’m trying to because I really want to be with him.”

  She waved her fork in his direction. “Have you had an honest conversation about how it affected you?”

  “No.”

  “Then why did you take your relationship to the next level?”

  He clicked his tongue and shifted uncomfortably. He should have expected his mother to give him the third degree, but that was alright, it was better than ignoring the situation altogether. “We’re kind of...pretending that none of that stuff ever happened.”

  Lorraine sighed and shook her head. “That’s no good, Shane. You can’t have a relationship of any kind like that.”

  “I know. I’m working on it.” His mother took a few bites in silence, as did he, though his mind wasn’t blank. If ever there was a time to ask her this question, it was now. “Can I ask you something kinda personal?”

  She set down her fork. “You can ask me anything.”

  He paused, hoping it wouldn’t make her uncomfortable. “Have you dated anyone since...dad?”

  She smiled softly and touched his hand. “I’ve been on a few dates. But, as you know, my relationships with Ethan’s father, and then yours, didn’t end well. And they were the only men I’d ever been with. Since they were both bad experiences, I decided to give up on love and just focus on raising you boys.”

  Growing up, he hadn’t given much thought to his mother’s personal happiness. He’d been preoccupied with a plethora of teenage problems and hadn’t stopped to think about how it might affect his mother. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “I’m not alone, honey.” Lorraine leaned over and kissed his cheek. “I never will be.”

  Clearing his throat, Shane opened a door to the entrance of the mall, allowing Ethan to walk in first. “Thanks for meeting up with me.”

  “Sure.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he walked beside his brother. “Sorry I’m not much help, I don’t know Nora very well.”

  “I just wanted the company.” Ethan shrugged. “Mom said you went on a trip?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You should have told someone.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Why, are you worried I’ll drop dead?”

  “Yes.”

  Shaking his head, he heaved a sigh. “It was just a weekend, everything was fine. How’s the bar coming along?”

&
nbsp; “The remodeling is going very well.” He paused. “So, you had a good time?”

  “Yeah, it was fun.”

  It was Ethan’s turn to hold the door open as they walked into a store. “Did you smile at all?”

  He clicked his tongue. “Maybe once.”

  “Because of Callan?”

  Shane wasn’t sure how to feel about that. On one hand, it was nice that they could talk about these things. On the other, he wasn’t sure he wanted to. “Great, mom told you.”

  “I was hoping you’d tell me, Shane,” his voice was low and deep. “But you never talk to me.”

  “We’re talking now. I always talk to you, Ethan. I just don’t want to discuss my personal life.”

  He sighed as he flicked through several blouses on a rack. “You’re my brother, and I love you, but I’ve never felt close to you because you’ve always had your guard up.”

  Shane furrowed his brow. “Wow, you don’t think we’re close?”

  “Come on.” Ethan shot him a look before moving on to the next rack of clothing. “You know everything about my life and I never get to know what’s happening in yours.”

  “That’s not true. I told you about Callan.”

  “Yeah, two years after you broke up.”

  “Well, mom was still toxic when I was with Callan, so I didn’t want to tell you.”

  He nodded slowly. “That’s fair, I suppose. But I wouldn’t have cared, you know.”

  That was easy to say now, after the fact, but they couldn’t have known that then. “Uh-huh.”

  “So,” he drawled, “Are you going to tell me about him?”

  “No.” He pursed his lips, following Ethan to the shoe section of the store. “It’s complicated.”

  “It always is with you.” He shook his head. “At least you’re normal today.”

  Shane folded his arms. “Define normal.”

  “Oh, don’t start.” He rolled his eyes. “We were getting along so nicely.”

  His gaze narrowed as Ethan held up two different pairs of shoes – one being red boots and the other being pink, sparkly high-heels. “The boots seem more like Nora’s taste.”

  Shane’s gaze was fixed on the ceiling. Cal’s loft was like a palace compared to his dinky apartment. He didn’t feel comfortable there. Everything had a place, the floors and counters were spotless, and all the knick-knacks looked like they belonged in a museum.

  He understood that Cal, more than likely, had a maid to keep the place so tidy, but it made him wonder how he fit in and why Cal would be interested in someone like him.

  His apartment was a representation of who he was as a person – rough and tattered. Cal’s loft was stunning and refined, just like the man himself.

  Who was Shane to bring such chaos into Callan’s organized life?

  Callan nuzzled his neck, hand casually lifting the bottom of Shane’s shirt. “What are you hiding under there, hmm?”

  “Nothing.” He tugged it down and slapped Cal’s hand.

  “And under here?” Gently gripping Shane’s hip, his thumb rubbed over the bandage that seemed to reside there permanently.

  “Nothing.” The hand in question was slapped again.

  He took the hint and let go. “I can’t believe I’ve never seen you completely naked.”

  “I just like having sex with my clothes on.”

  “Or in the dark.” Over the shirt, his hand crawled up to Shane’s chest. “Which is very difficult to navigate at times, might I add.”

  “I know, I’m very particular.” He wrapped his arm around Cal’s back. “Is that a problem for you?”

  “It never has been.” He paused. “Will you ever let me make love to you?”

  “No.” His body tensed when Cal placed a hand on his cheek and trailed soft kisses along his neck. “Stop it, Cal. Don’t push your luck.”

  Rolling onto his back, he heaved a sigh. “Do you have any idea what it’s like to be with you?”

  “Why don’t you tell me?”

  “Sometimes you’re wonderful and I know exactly how you feel. Other times, you’re cold.” He shook his head. “I feel alone even though you’re right next to me.”

  Shane sat up, propping the pillows before leaning against them. “I’m sorry, Cal. I don’t mean to be cold. I want you all the time.” He offered the older man his hand, and when Cal took it, he interlaced their fingers. “Sex is a distraction for me. I get lost in it. But as soon as it’s over...you want to hold me, touch me, caress me. It’s steady, gentle motions that I can’t handle. It’s like an over-stimulation for me, being too gentle.” He shrugged. “With sex, you keep moving.”

  Cal rested his back against his pillow, now close to eye-level with Shane. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that.”

  “No, I’m sorry.” He leaned over and placed a kiss on his lips. “I know you need that gentleness, that affection. I want to give that to you, it’s just...it’s difficult.”

  “I don’t need anything, just you.” He brushed his thumb over Shane’s knuckles. “Can I ask you why it’s like that for you?”

  He considered ignoring the question or simply not answering it. There was a small part of him that wanted to run, like always, and avoid the subject completely. And then he could regroup and come back when he’d stuffed those feelings down, like always. But he knew that if he wanted Callan to stay, and he did, he had to let down his walls. At least a little bit. “I was handled with a lot of brutality in the past. So when someone is gentle with me, when someone is nice, I can’t accept it. I don’t know what to do with it, so I reject it.”

  “Does that mean you hate lying with me like this?”

  “No, it’s – sometimes I’m okay with it, as long as I don’t think about it too much.”

  He brought Shane’s hand to his lips. “So what should I do?”

  “You’ve been perfect. I just...” He swallowed hard. “If I turn away, or if I can’t handle you touching me softly, it’s not because I don’t care about you. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you, or-”

  “Shane, it’s okay.” Cal silenced him with a kiss. “You’ve explained yourself, so now I understand. I’ll give you space when you need it. And I’ll be here when you do want my affection.”

  Shane stared into Cal’s twinkling blue eyes. They were so kind and genuine. He’d never seen another pair of eyes like his. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “Whatever happened to make you this way, I just want you to know that you don’t ever have to tell me. I will love you regardless. I may not always understand, but I will never, ever, leave you over this.”

  He furrowed his brow. Even though he had already guessed as much, the word still surprised him. “You love me?”

  “I do. And you don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know.”

  Shane didn’t know how he felt about that. Any normal person would have wanted that all along, but Shane was not a normal person. This was not a normal relationship. He was trying so very hard to pretend that it was, but, eventually, he knew that he would have to let Callan go.

  Just as he closed his eyes to drift off to sleep, his cell phone rang. With a groan, he reached across his lover and grabbed the phone from the bedside table.

  “Peter?”

  “Who is this?” came a slurred voice from the other end.

  “Um...it’s Shane.”

  “Oh, hey, man. What’s up?”

  “You’re the one who called me.”

  “Oh, right.”

  Shane furrowed his brow. He could hear loud music in the background and several people laughing. “Are you drunk?”

  “Maybe just a smidge.”

  Heaving a sigh, he rolled out of bed. “Okay, where are you?”

  “I’m at this little bar. I think it’s called Jake’s. Isn’t that funny?”

  “Why would that be funny?”

  “I don’t know, it’s a weird name for a bar.”

  Shane slipped on his jeans over his boxers and then
tugged on his shoes one-handed. “I’m on my way. Just stay put. Can you do that?”

  “I think I can manage that. The room is kinda spinning so I can’t really go anywhere.”

  He ended the call and grabbed his backpack from the chair in the corner of the room. “I have to go, babe. It’s my boss.”

  “Promise you’ll stay the night next time?”

  “Promise.” Shane leaned down and kissed Callan’s soft lips before heading out of the apartment.

  Luckily for him, there weren’t a hell of a lot of bars called Jake’s, and only one remotely close to Peter’s neighborhood.

  Once he arrived, he hurried into the bar and found his friend slumped over a table.

  “Pete, let’s go.” Shane gently grabbed his arm. “We have work in the morning.”

  “Work shmerk.” He sat up and tugged his arm away. “Take the day off. In fact, take a week off!”

  He furrowed his brow. “Are you firing me?”

  “No, I’m encouraging you to get a life. Something wrong with that?”

  “Yeah, you’re insinuating that I don’t have one.”

  “Well, I don’t.”

  Shane chewed his bottom lip anxiously, wondering how he was going to drag the man out of there. Hearing footsteps behind them, he turned to see a large, burly man with a beer in his hand.

  “Get out of here, child killer. Before we throw you out.”

  Peter got to his feet, his hands balled into fists. “What did you say to me?”

  “Whoa, Peter, don’t engage.” Shane moved in between them, hand held up to keep them separated. “Let it go.”

  “Yeah, listen to the little faggot.”

  Peter shoved Shane aside and lunged for the burly stranger. “Don’t call him that!”

  “Pete, it’s not worth it!” He attempted to get in between them again, but the stranger pushed him with such force that he fell to the floor.

  The two men exchanged punches before the bartender threatened to call the police. That was the last thing they needed, so Shane carefully stood up, checking his clothes for any signs of blood.